Ban the Bribes

As parents, we often know that bribes don't work, but it seems we (myself included) keep turning back to this method. I'm not sure about other parents, but often I find myself using bribes because it takes significantly less effort to bribe the behavior we want, than to appropriately teach and guide the child to the expected behavior.

Revisiting Dr. Hiam Ginott's book,"Between Parent and Child", he outlines seven patterns that he calls "self-defeating." They are:

1. Threats: Invitations to Misbehavior
2. Bribes: Rethinking the "If-Then" Fallacy
3. Promises: Why Unrealistic Expectations Cause Greif for Everyone
4. Sarcasm: A Sound Barrier to Learning
5. Authority Calls for Brevity: When Less Is More
6. A Policy on Lying: Learn How Not to Encourage Lying
7. Dealing with Dishonesty: An Ounce of Prevention is Worth a Ton of Investigation. 

Chapter 3 of Ginott's book is a wealth of information, and if you can get your hands on it, he dives deeper into each one of these self-defeating parenting behaviors. 

The one that resonated with me most was bribing! I find myself trying to bribe desired behaviors out of my children so often. I had not previously thought of the negative effects that bribery had until I read this chapter. 

But why is it so much more beneficial for both our children and ourselves to ensure our children are able to navigate and choose their own appropriate behavior? I believe the goal of parenting is to raise thoughtful, kind, contributary individuals who have a strong moral code. If a child is only taught to obey whoever is making the rules, they will have difficulty navigating their adult life. Ideally, the child is able to problem solve, make decisions and act according to their thoughts and judgments. If we do not take the time to teach proper morality, then the opportunity for the child to be able to develop those skills is lost or severely delayed.

Our household experienced a recent win with a non-physical/material reward. Our oldest daughter is in the seventh grade, and in her first term, she had trouble with the new workload and meeting teachers' expectations. Her grades suffered. She improved during the second term with some parental help and reminders. However, on her own, she decided that she was going to keep her grades up during term three. The term was off to a rough start when we went on a ten-day vacation, and she missed several school days. But she chose to work hard, all on her own, with very few prompts from her parents, and today she brought home an "Honor Roll Certificate" with her name on it. She was beaming and was so proud that she worked hard to accomplish something she set her mind to.  We shared a brief discussion about how rewarding it felt to make a goal, work hard on it, and reach it. It was a great learning moment for her and for me. 

As Ginott says, "Rewards are most helpful and more enjoyable when they are announced in advance when they come as a surprise when they represent recognition and appreciation." 

Great Job Star Artwork

True Grit

Teaching our children to behave correctly, without bribing goes hand in hand with raising a 'gritty' child. When researchers refer to "grit" they are speaking of characteristics of determination, persistence, and the ability to work overtime to achieve something. This can also be referred to as a Growth Mindset. Teaching children that it's okay if they don't know how to do something, or understand something "yet" is an important skill. The child learns that it takes time and effort to accomplish things.  

This is something we are working hard on with our middle child. He is naturally gifted and talented but becomes easily discouraged when he doesn't achieve something right away. We have encouraged him to switch his thinking, and to try and adopt the "yet" mentality mentioned above. 

Additionally, my husband and I are careful about how we offer praise to our children. Where we used to celebrate accomplishments, we have moved toward celebrating efforts. Regardless of skill level, the effort the child is willing to put into learning something new can always be commended. When children feel pride in the work and effort they apply to any given subject, or sport, they become intrinsically motivated to keep up the same pattern of work ethic. If learning and growing are treated like a"win", regardless of the grade, or the prize/trophy, then the child learns to tie the internal reward with effort. However, if only the "A" grade or 1st place trophy is celebrated, the child feels a failure and may become too defeated to keep trying. 

I love President Nelson's quote, "The Lord loves effort!" (Russel M Nelson, in Joy D. Jone's talk, "An Especially Noble Calling", and I have applied it to many areas in my life. While we celebrate our children's efforts in learning and growing, I like knowing that my Father in Heaven is also celebrating my efforts in my parenting journey as well. 
I hope you learned something new that you can implement with your children from this parenting series. 

xo, Tonya

Works Cited:

The church of Jesus christ of latter-day saints. (n.d.). Retrieved April 5, 2022, from https://abn.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/general-conference/2020/04/14jones?lang=eng

Ginott, H. G., Ginott, A., & Goddard, H. W. (2004). Between parent and child. Random House.

NBCUniversal News Group. (2021, May 27). True grit, can you teach children character? NBCNews.com. Retrieved April 5, 2022, from https://www.nbcnews.com/video/true-grit-can-you-teach-children-character-44432451969