A concept that has been transformative is that I am able to validate my children's emotions. Their emotions are theirs and based on their personal experiences. It is not my place to dismiss their feelings. The idea that I can validate their feelings, while not agreeing with them, or feeling differently has brought me peace. Parenting experts call this "emotion coaching".
Watch this short clip by Dr. John Gottman, and Dr. Julie Gottman
I love the emphasis that the Gottmans put on listening to children, and the importance of not dismissing a child's feelings. As Dr. John Gottman says, "If you focus only on the discipline you get obedient children. If you focus on emotion coaching as well, then you get kids who really know who they are and want to excel, and also want to connect with other people."
What does this look like in real life? Here is an exchange I had with my nearly six-year-old daughter about dance class. She was feeling frustrated that she had dance class and didn't feel like going to class. I told her, "I understand you don't want to go to dancing class. It is hard work and you are feeling tired with the time changes. It is okay to not feel like going, but we made a commitment to learning the dance for the recital coming up. We can rest together after dance class."
Showing her with my words that I understood why she didn't want to go, and that it was okay to feel that way helped her know I was listening to her. I was also able to teach her the importance of keeping a commitment. Lastly, I reassured her we would have time to rest after her class, which gave her something to look forward to.
Certainly not all of my conversations with my kids model the perfect emotional coaching tactics, but I am finding with practice, that I am getting better. Both the children and I feel less frustrated as we are able to recognize and accept each other's feelings and communicate openly about them.
Avoiding Anger
Within the same vein, we learned about anger, and how it does not serve us as parents, or our children. We learn from Jesus Christ himself, "Behold, this is not my doctrine, to stir up the hearts of men with anger, one against another; but this is my doctrine, that such things should be done away (3 Nephi 11:30).
We hear the same messages from prophets throughout the ages, too. In reading “Soft Spoken Parents,” many of the prophets counsel in regards to feeling anger but not allowing the anger to control our actions. Brigham Young states, “Anger should never be permitted to rise in our bosoms, and words suggested by angry feelings should never be permitted to pass our lips.” Joseph F. Smiths is then quoted to say, “ …when you speak or talk to them, do it not in anger, do it not harshly, in a condemning spirit. Speak to them kindly.” David O. McKay’s words echo the same sentiment when speaking about unkind feelings, saying, “Control it! Do not express it!” From these heartfelt pleadings from our prophets, we learn that even though we undoubtedly experience angry feelings, it is how we choose to act on our feelings that make the biggest difference in our relationship with our children.
I have one last learning experience to share with you. Come back soon to find out why it's time to "Ban the Bribes"!
xo, Tonya
Works Cited:
3 nephi 11. The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. (n.d.). Retrieved April 5, 2022, from https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/scriptures/bofm/3-ne/11?lang=eng
Anger clip art #insideout: Angry cartoon face, Cartoon Faces, angry cartoon. Pinterest. (2018, October 25). Retrieved April 5, 2022, from https://www.pinterest.com/pin/745838388266477948/
Dr. John Gottman & dr. Julie Gottman discuss ... - youtube. (n.d.). Retrieved April 5, 2022, from https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z3uPPEtyX_I
Goddard, H. W. (2012). The soft-spoken parent: 55 strategies for preventing contention with your children. Leatherwood Press.
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