Ban the Bribes

As parents, we often know that bribes don't work, but it seems we (myself included) keep turning back to this method. I'm not sure about other parents, but often I find myself using bribes because it takes significantly less effort to bribe the behavior we want, than to appropriately teach and guide the child to the expected behavior.

Revisiting Dr. Hiam Ginott's book,"Between Parent and Child", he outlines seven patterns that he calls "self-defeating." They are:

1. Threats: Invitations to Misbehavior
2. Bribes: Rethinking the "If-Then" Fallacy
3. Promises: Why Unrealistic Expectations Cause Greif for Everyone
4. Sarcasm: A Sound Barrier to Learning
5. Authority Calls for Brevity: When Less Is More
6. A Policy on Lying: Learn How Not to Encourage Lying
7. Dealing with Dishonesty: An Ounce of Prevention is Worth a Ton of Investigation. 

Chapter 3 of Ginott's book is a wealth of information, and if you can get your hands on it, he dives deeper into each one of these self-defeating parenting behaviors. 

The one that resonated with me most was bribing! I find myself trying to bribe desired behaviors out of my children so often. I had not previously thought of the negative effects that bribery had until I read this chapter. 

But why is it so much more beneficial for both our children and ourselves to ensure our children are able to navigate and choose their own appropriate behavior? I believe the goal of parenting is to raise thoughtful, kind, contributary individuals who have a strong moral code. If a child is only taught to obey whoever is making the rules, they will have difficulty navigating their adult life. Ideally, the child is able to problem solve, make decisions and act according to their thoughts and judgments. If we do not take the time to teach proper morality, then the opportunity for the child to be able to develop those skills is lost or severely delayed.

Our household experienced a recent win with a non-physical/material reward. Our oldest daughter is in the seventh grade, and in her first term, she had trouble with the new workload and meeting teachers' expectations. Her grades suffered. She improved during the second term with some parental help and reminders. However, on her own, she decided that she was going to keep her grades up during term three. The term was off to a rough start when we went on a ten-day vacation, and she missed several school days. But she chose to work hard, all on her own, with very few prompts from her parents, and today she brought home an "Honor Roll Certificate" with her name on it. She was beaming and was so proud that she worked hard to accomplish something she set her mind to.  We shared a brief discussion about how rewarding it felt to make a goal, work hard on it, and reach it. It was a great learning moment for her and for me. 

As Ginott says, "Rewards are most helpful and more enjoyable when they are announced in advance when they come as a surprise when they represent recognition and appreciation." 

Great Job Star Artwork

True Grit

Teaching our children to behave correctly, without bribing goes hand in hand with raising a 'gritty' child. When researchers refer to "grit" they are speaking of characteristics of determination, persistence, and the ability to work overtime to achieve something. This can also be referred to as a Growth Mindset. Teaching children that it's okay if they don't know how to do something, or understand something "yet" is an important skill. The child learns that it takes time and effort to accomplish things.  

This is something we are working hard on with our middle child. He is naturally gifted and talented but becomes easily discouraged when he doesn't achieve something right away. We have encouraged him to switch his thinking, and to try and adopt the "yet" mentality mentioned above. 

Additionally, my husband and I are careful about how we offer praise to our children. Where we used to celebrate accomplishments, we have moved toward celebrating efforts. Regardless of skill level, the effort the child is willing to put into learning something new can always be commended. When children feel pride in the work and effort they apply to any given subject, or sport, they become intrinsically motivated to keep up the same pattern of work ethic. If learning and growing are treated like a"win", regardless of the grade, or the prize/trophy, then the child learns to tie the internal reward with effort. However, if only the "A" grade or 1st place trophy is celebrated, the child feels a failure and may become too defeated to keep trying. 

I love President Nelson's quote, "The Lord loves effort!" (Russel M Nelson, in Joy D. Jone's talk, "An Especially Noble Calling", and I have applied it to many areas in my life. While we celebrate our children's efforts in learning and growing, I like knowing that my Father in Heaven is also celebrating my efforts in my parenting journey as well. 
I hope you learned something new that you can implement with your children from this parenting series. 

xo, Tonya

Works Cited:

The church of Jesus christ of latter-day saints. (n.d.). Retrieved April 5, 2022, from https://abn.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/general-conference/2020/04/14jones?lang=eng

Ginott, H. G., Ginott, A., & Goddard, H. W. (2004). Between parent and child. Random House.

NBCUniversal News Group. (2021, May 27). True grit, can you teach children character? NBCNews.com. Retrieved April 5, 2022, from https://www.nbcnews.com/video/true-grit-can-you-teach-children-character-44432451969

Validating Emotions

A concept that has been transformative is that I am able to validate my children's emotions. Their emotions are theirs and based on their personal experiences. It is not my place to dismiss their feelings. The idea that I can validate their feelings, while not agreeing with them, or feeling differently has brought me peace. Parenting experts call this "emotion coaching". 

Watch this short clip by Dr. John Gottman, and Dr. Julie Gottman

I love the emphasis that the Gottmans put on listening to children, and the importance of not dismissing a child's feelings. As Dr. John Gottman says, "If you focus only on the discipline you get obedient children. If you focus on emotion coaching as well, then you get kids who really know who they are and want to excel, and also want to connect with other people."

What does this look like in real life? Here is an exchange I had with my nearly six-year-old daughter about dance class. She was feeling frustrated that she had dance class and didn't feel like going to class. I told her, "I understand you don't want to go to dancing class. It is hard work and you are feeling tired with the time changes. It is okay to not feel like going, but we made a commitment to learning the dance for the recital coming up. We can rest together after dance class." 

Showing her with my words that I understood why she didn't want to go, and that it was okay to feel that way helped her know I was listening to her. I was also able to teach her the importance of keeping a commitment. Lastly, I reassured her we would have time to rest after her class, which gave her something to look forward to. 

Certainly not all of my conversations with my kids model the perfect emotional coaching tactics, but I am finding with practice, that I am getting better. Both the children and I feel less frustrated as we are able to recognize and accept each other's feelings and communicate openly about them. 

Avoiding Anger

Anger, Disney Pixar's "Inside Out"

Within the same vein, we learned about anger, and how it does not serve us as parents, or our children. We learn from Jesus Christ himself, "Behold, this is not my doctrine, to stir up the hearts of men with anger, one against another; but this is my doctrine, that such things should be done away (3 Nephi 11:30). 

We hear the same messages from prophets throughout the ages, too. In reading “Soft Spoken Parents,” many of the prophets counsel in regards to feeling anger but not allowing the anger to control our actions. Brigham Young states, “Anger should never be permitted to rise in our bosoms, and words suggested by angry feelings should never be permitted to pass our lips.” Joseph F. Smiths is then quoted to say, “ …when you speak or talk to them, do it not in anger, do it not harshly, in a condemning spirit. Speak to them kindly.” David O. McKay’s words echo the same sentiment when speaking about unkind feelings, saying, “Control it! Do not express it!” From these heartfelt pleadings from our prophets, we learn that even though we undoubtedly experience angry feelings, it is how we choose to act on our feelings that make the biggest difference in our relationship with our children.

I have one last learning experience to share with you. Come back soon to find out why it's time to "Ban the Bribes"!

xo, Tonya

Works Cited:

3 nephi 11. The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. (n.d.). Retrieved April 5, 2022, from https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/scriptures/bofm/3-ne/11?lang=eng

Anger clip art #insideout: Angry cartoon face, Cartoon Faces, angry cartoon. Pinterest. (2018, October 25). Retrieved April 5, 2022, from https://www.pinterest.com/pin/745838388266477948/

Dr. John Gottman & dr. Julie Gottman discuss ... - youtube. (n.d.). Retrieved April 5, 2022, from https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z3uPPEtyX_I

Goddard, H. W. (2012). The soft-spoken parent: 55 strategies for preventing contention with your children. Leatherwood Press.

Guide and Redirect

Guide

One concept that really stuck out to me during my studies of the NEPEM Model was the third principle of "Guide."  I like the use of the word guide. For me, it helps illustrate that I can show, and recommend to my child how they should behave, but ultimately, they have agency and get to choose for themselves. 

I know how frustrated I get when I feel like others are making decisions for me. I feel defiant and bothered and I bristle at any task assigned to me. Our children feel the same. It took me several years to understand that removing choice from my children was the wrong tactic. 

When my oldest daughter, was a toddler, we would have daily battles about what outfit she would wear, how to do her hair, and what shoes to wear. Clearly, our perspectives did not align. She was unhappy, and even though I often "won", I was also unhappy. Fast forward 6 years later, and my 6-year-old daughter has chosen which outfit to wear, how to do her hair, and what shoes to wear since she was 2. Luckily I learned that it is more important for my children to feel like they have control of things in their lives, instead of what I wanted. 

This class helped give that principle a name. In "Between Parent and Child" authored by Dr. Haim Ginott, discusses seven principles of emphatic communication. The seventh principle is, "Give children a choice and a voice in matters that affect their lives. Allowing them agency, as we have, helps us to be able to guide them, better preparing them to navigate their lives once they no longer have us by their side. 

Redirect

Another incorrect view I had in my early years of parenting was the idea of correcting often, and firmly. However, this course helps support the idea that instead of harsh punishment when mistakes are made, or misbehavior is encountered, redirect the child's behavior instead. 

Have you ever seen this "Parenting Pyramid" (The Arbinger Company) before? I had not, but I love the way it outlines our priorities as parents. Take a look.  

The Parent Pyramid

Notice how much energy and effort should be put into building healthy relationships with yourself, with your spouse, and with your child(ren). Then we encounter the teaching section, which nestles within the "guide" NEPEM principle mentioned above. The very smallest amount of our time should be spent correcting our children. And when it is necessary, it is of utmost importance that we are correcting the "right way"

Dr. Laurence Steinberg, Ph.D., penned a book called, "The 10 Basic Principles of Good Parenting." The eighth principle teaches to avoid harsh discipline. The book shares five elements that must be included for effective punishment: 

• An identification of the specific act that was wrong. 
• A statement describing the impact of the misbehavior
• A suggestion for one or more alternatives to the undesirable behavior
• A clear statement of what the punishment is going to be. 
• A statement of your expectation that your child will do better next time. 

This has been so helpful as I'm learning to implement it in my parenting. It can be tricky to remember all five, especially when feelings are heated. Recalling the action words to help me remember- identify, impact, alternatives, punishment, and expectation. 

Taking the time to explain why their actions or behavior are wrong, and helping them understand the impact they have on themselves and those around them help them learn how to avoid those behaviors in the future. Without discussing those key points, the child thinks that they themselves are bad, and aren't sure how to avoid getting in trouble in the future. 

I'll be back soon with two more of my favorite things I learned. 

xo, Tonya

Works Cited:

Company, T. A. (n.d.). The Parenting Pyramid - Brigham Young University–Idaho. Retrieved April 5, 2022, from https://content.byui.edu/file/91e7c911-20c5-4b9f-b8fc-9e4b1b37b6fc/1/Parenting_Pyramid_article.pdf

Ginott, H. G., Ginott, A., & Goddard, H. W. (2004). Between parent and child. Random House.

Smith, C. A., Cudaback, D., Goddard, H. W., & Myers-Walls, J. (1994, May). Of critical parenting practices - K-state. K-State.edu. Retrieved April 5, 2022, from https://www.k-state.edu/wwparent/nepem/nepem.pdf

Steinberg, L. D. (2005). The ten basic principles of good parenting. Simon & Schuster Paperbacks.

Parenting: Level Up

NEPEM Model

Over the last seven weeks, I've been enrolled in a parenting class through BYUI (FAML120). I've learned so many great things from this course, I wanted to record what I've learned, to revisit as needed. 

The class is based on the NEPEM Model, NEPEM stands for "The National Extension Parent Education Model" The model has seven categories that provide the framework for improving the parenting experience. 

1. Care for Self
2. Understand
3. Guide
4. Nurture
5. Motivate
6. Develop
7. Advocate

Each week we studied one of the framework items and discovered why each category is helpful for a parent-child relationship. 

NEPEM artwork source

Care for Self

One of the first activities we completed was a "Care for Self, Personal & Relationship Journey" check-in. We answered a series of questions intended to help us evaluate our relationship with ourselves. This was a helpful exercise to notice where I naturally excelled, and what areas I could take time to improve upon. Maybe you're like me, and have a hard time asking for help? Perhaps you're struggling finding meaningful relationships with other adults (parents, spouse, friends, etc.)? Whatever it may be, I encourage you to prioritize yourself, and your needs! 

In class, they referenced Marion G. Romney saying, ""Without self-reliance, one cannot exercise these innate desires to serve. How can we give if there is nothing there? Food for the hungry cannot come from empty shelves. Money to assist the needy cannot come from an empty purse. Support and understanding cannot come from the emotionally starved. Teaching cannot come from the unlearned. And most important of all, spiritual guidance cannot come from the spiritually weak." ("The Celestial Nature of Self-Reliance", October 1982 General Conference)

Parenting Styles

We also reviewed different types of parenting styles, Authoritarian,  Authoritative, & Permissive parenting. Authoritarian parenting styles are rigid and unbending, often disregarding children's feelings. On the opposite end, permissive parenting does not provide any boundaries and consequences for the child. Authoritative parenting is a healthy balance of boundaries and expectations for the child, with plenty of flexibility to navigate nuanced situations. I think the ideal parenting style is authoritative, and I am trying to model my behavior within those guidelines. You can take a look at these, and other parenting styles here: Comparing Types of Parenting. 

Over the next three posts, I'll share my favorite takeaways from this semester. 

xo, Tonya

Works Cited:

Christiano, D. (2019, September 27). Comparing types of parenting: Authoritative, permissive, more. Healthline. Retrieved April 5, 2022, from https://www.healthline.com/health/parenting/types-of-parenting

Romney, M. G. (n.d.). The celestial nature of self-reliance. The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Retrieved April 5, 2022, from https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/general-conference/1982/10/the-celestial-nature-of-self-reliance?lang=eng

Steinberg, L. D. (2005). The ten basic principles of good parenting. Simon & Schuster Paperbacks.

Summary of the CYFAR core competencies. (n.d.). Retrieved April 5, 2022, from https://cyfar.org/sites/default/files/cyfar_research_docs/Summary.pdf