Guide and Redirect

Guide

One concept that really stuck out to me during my studies of the NEPEM Model was the third principle of "Guide."  I like the use of the word guide. For me, it helps illustrate that I can show, and recommend to my child how they should behave, but ultimately, they have agency and get to choose for themselves. 

I know how frustrated I get when I feel like others are making decisions for me. I feel defiant and bothered and I bristle at any task assigned to me. Our children feel the same. It took me several years to understand that removing choice from my children was the wrong tactic. 

When my oldest daughter, was a toddler, we would have daily battles about what outfit she would wear, how to do her hair, and what shoes to wear. Clearly, our perspectives did not align. She was unhappy, and even though I often "won", I was also unhappy. Fast forward 6 years later, and my 6-year-old daughter has chosen which outfit to wear, how to do her hair, and what shoes to wear since she was 2. Luckily I learned that it is more important for my children to feel like they have control of things in their lives, instead of what I wanted. 

This class helped give that principle a name. In "Between Parent and Child" authored by Dr. Haim Ginott, discusses seven principles of emphatic communication. The seventh principle is, "Give children a choice and a voice in matters that affect their lives. Allowing them agency, as we have, helps us to be able to guide them, better preparing them to navigate their lives once they no longer have us by their side. 

Redirect

Another incorrect view I had in my early years of parenting was the idea of correcting often, and firmly. However, this course helps support the idea that instead of harsh punishment when mistakes are made, or misbehavior is encountered, redirect the child's behavior instead. 

Have you ever seen this "Parenting Pyramid" (The Arbinger Company) before? I had not, but I love the way it outlines our priorities as parents. Take a look.  

The Parent Pyramid

Notice how much energy and effort should be put into building healthy relationships with yourself, with your spouse, and with your child(ren). Then we encounter the teaching section, which nestles within the "guide" NEPEM principle mentioned above. The very smallest amount of our time should be spent correcting our children. And when it is necessary, it is of utmost importance that we are correcting the "right way"

Dr. Laurence Steinberg, Ph.D., penned a book called, "The 10 Basic Principles of Good Parenting." The eighth principle teaches to avoid harsh discipline. The book shares five elements that must be included for effective punishment: 

• An identification of the specific act that was wrong. 
• A statement describing the impact of the misbehavior
• A suggestion for one or more alternatives to the undesirable behavior
• A clear statement of what the punishment is going to be. 
• A statement of your expectation that your child will do better next time. 

This has been so helpful as I'm learning to implement it in my parenting. It can be tricky to remember all five, especially when feelings are heated. Recalling the action words to help me remember- identify, impact, alternatives, punishment, and expectation. 

Taking the time to explain why their actions or behavior are wrong, and helping them understand the impact they have on themselves and those around them help them learn how to avoid those behaviors in the future. Without discussing those key points, the child thinks that they themselves are bad, and aren't sure how to avoid getting in trouble in the future. 

I'll be back soon with two more of my favorite things I learned. 

xo, Tonya

Works Cited:

Company, T. A. (n.d.). The Parenting Pyramid - Brigham Young University–Idaho. Retrieved April 5, 2022, from https://content.byui.edu/file/91e7c911-20c5-4b9f-b8fc-9e4b1b37b6fc/1/Parenting_Pyramid_article.pdf

Ginott, H. G., Ginott, A., & Goddard, H. W. (2004). Between parent and child. Random House.

Smith, C. A., Cudaback, D., Goddard, H. W., & Myers-Walls, J. (1994, May). Of critical parenting practices - K-state. K-State.edu. Retrieved April 5, 2022, from https://www.k-state.edu/wwparent/nepem/nepem.pdf

Steinberg, L. D. (2005). The ten basic principles of good parenting. Simon & Schuster Paperbacks.